cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
