you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
