I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
