The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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