I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
