Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
