i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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