I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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