the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
