does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
