btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
