No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
