I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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