I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
