I wish you could order shots online.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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