I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
