so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
