totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
