You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I puked a lego.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
this is an emotional support booty call
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
