we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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