She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
