Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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