i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
