Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Can I color on your dick again?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
