he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
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