It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
