no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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