My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
