i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
