I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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