My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
