at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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