hotel room ftw
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
