sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
