Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
