I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
