please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
