hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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