tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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