shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
