i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
