So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
