It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
