im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Randomize
