Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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