Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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