yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
