I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
