Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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