if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
