Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
